Stewie Loves Stewie
by HenlyK
Summary: Oh no! Oohhh, nooooo! Oh, nooo! Brian! Brian! Oh, nooo! Oh, it's everywhere! Ohh, noooo!
1. Chapter 1

"Good morning, my little ange-... aaaah! Peter! Stewie's gone missing!"

"Stewie's gone? Holy crap!"

"Peter, what are we gonna do? My little baby's missing!"

"Ah, I don't know, Lois... I wonder what Optimus Prime would do in this situatuon."

* * *

(18-minute cutaway gag with the Transformers.)

* * *

"Holy crap, that was a long cutaway gag!"

"Oh my god, that means we only got 4 minutes left to find Stewie!"

"Ah! Okay, okay, here's what we're gonna do... god, this is more intense than that time wh-"

"Oh for god's sake, Peter, no more cutaway gags!"

"Crap, okay, sorry, Lois. God, this is more intense than that time where I played quarterback for the Yankees."

* * *

(4-minute cutaway gag in which Peter plays football with the Yankees.)

* * *

"... Peter, I am going to kill y-*Family Guy credits theme*


	2. Chapter 2

"During my adventures through other dimensions, I had felt an instant kinship with the alternate versions of me, strewn far and wide across the limitless reaches of the universe and its parallel dimensions. Some were the exact image of myself - possessions, technological mastery, and all; others so more advanced that they had achieved what I still could not. Some were a little behind, to which I gladly gave a helping hand so that they might catch up to meet that ultimate goal we all seemed to share: killing Lois Griffin.

I admit that there were moments previous in which I became unhinged further than my primary goal of subduing that wretched woman, and began to wonder how many of the others had crossed that delicate line between mere matricide and into insanity.

Last night, I was able to pinpoint the exact location of one such - and hopefully the only - Stewie that could truly be a threat to me and all the others. He had succeeded in creating a machine so dangerous that it could wipe out all of existence. What it was exactly, I could not be certain, but my scanning equipment picked up dangerous levels of distortion in space-time from one of the alternate versions (which I had numbered '305-C') of our universe.

He had to be stopped at all costs. As soon as the other morons in my family had fallen asleep, I activated my warping device and disappeared from my world. I materialized in the kitchen of the Griffin household of universe 305-C, and from a cursory inspection, my suspicions were well founded. With great care, I must find this terrible machine and destroy it - at any cost.

Once my mission is complete, I will return to finally send my universe's Lois into the starry abyss. First,..."

(20-minute cutaway gag with Al Capone dancing on a flagpole with jazzy music.)

*Family Guy credits theme*


	3. Chapter 3

The alternate kitchen was a mess. Plates were broken and spread around everywhere, the windows were broken, the walls singed and dirty. I noticed that the front room was in a similarly ramshackled state. This was no doubt the work of the twisted Stewie who resided in this universe. All of the sudden, heavy footsteps started to creak down the stairs.

I was about to grab my laser blaster from my backpack when a whole nother feeling of trepidation came to me. I recognized the large, shadowy frame approaching through the front room and into the doorway to the kitchen. It was the fat man... of this dimension, at least. Irregardless, I curled my finger around the trigger in preparation...

"Oh, hey, Stewie. How did you get out of your crib?"

I stood in silence.

"Ah, I get it, you came down for a midnight snack, right? Yeah, I got a hankerin' for something, too."

He went over to the refrigerator and opened it, and the kitchen was bathed in its warm, orange glow. Before leaving the kitchen and heading upstairs, I took a moment to think. He didn't seem surprised to see me, nor fearful. Clearly, he had no idea that I wasn't his Stewie... but, more importantly, perhaps my other from this universe wasn't as bad as I had assumed, given his amicable reaction. Had I misinterpreted the signal? No... there was no mistaking the distortion on my scanner. Something was afoot, and it demanded investigation.

The fat man pulled a tray of leftover chiken pieces and sat down at the table with them.

"Hey, you wanna piece, Stewie? Don't tell Lois, alright?"

Figuring I may need sustenance at some point, I took the offered drumstick and stuffed it into my pocket. The fat man spoke out through his half-chewed mouthful of chicken.

"Hey, this is just like the time I came down for a midnight snack tonight."

(5-minute cutaway gag of everything that has happened in this chapter so far, but flipped upside down, in greayscale, and with Barbra Streisand's head where the other characters' heads should be.)

I was tempted to fire the laser blaster then and there, but thought better of it. It was too early, and I had too little information for such decisive action. However, it was at that moment that I was grabbed by the throat.

"Hey, this is just like that time I TORE YOUR SORRY LITTLE ASS INTO SHREDS!"

The fat man looked at me, his teeth beared and breath quick. He removed the chicken from my pocket, turned me around, ripped off my shorts, and jammed the drumstick into my anus. It was quick, painful, and punctuated by demonic laughter from above. I screamed, but my laser blaster was now no longer within reach. With some effort, I managed to dislodge the bone from the drumstick, and wrenched it into his eye. He bellowed out in pain, falling back onto the floor.

I quickly grabbed the remains of my shorts and took the laser blaster and warping device. Another set of footsteps came down the stairs, but with more speed and urgency than before. It was Lois, the Lois from this twisted dimension, and she was holding a vibrating dildo. I hid in one of the shadowy corners of the room.

"Peter, what's wrong!"

"Ah! It's Stewie! The little bastard poked my eye out!"

"What? But I've just been upstairs plungering that sucker with this!"

Lois gave out an evil cackle as she brandished the dildoy in front of Peter. With the two distracted with each other, I quickly darted into the front room and up the stairs. I now knew the nature of this universe, and had a suspicion as to the cause of the distortion on my scanner. After reaching the top of the stairs, I headed into what must have been my other's room in this dimension.

The other Stewie was hunched over on the floor, near a large machine, quivering and short of breath. He was pale, malnourished, and naked. He had one hand on a large, red switch attached to the machine. Slowly, seemingly with all his remaining strength, he turned his head round to look at me.

"T-They... m-m-must... t-they must... die."

(5-minute cutaway gag of Consuela on a Spanish game show, with only 3 frames of animation.)

*Family Guy credits theme*


	4. Chapter 4

My other's words rang in my ears, and my head started to shake in response. His reason for building this terrible machine were clear.

"Please, wait..."

I appealed to my other.

"... come with me."

Holding my warping device in one hand and stretching out the other, I bid my double come to me. He attempted to stand up, but collapsed in exhaustion. It was then that the other Meg's voice from came from behind. She was holding a dildo of her own, and a white fur rug. Brian?

"It's my turn now, Stewie... and it looks like I get two toys to play with!"

Without a second thought, I vaporised that disgusting harlot with my laser blaster. She died with a short screech, now reduced to a small mound of ashes on the carpet. Hearing two sets of footsteps coming up the stairs, I ran over to my other and held onto him tightly. I activated the warping device. Light began to swirl around us. The footsteps came closer, and the other Peter and Lois stood at the doorway.

"Holy crap! You killed Meg!"

I took out my laser blaster again and, before the light engulfed us completely, I fired a single shot the machine's power cells. As we departed from this dimension, I could hear a loud explosion behind us, gradually fading out as we zoomed across the corridoors of space-time. That machine would have at least incinerated the depraved residents of the Griffin house of universe 305-C, and at most taken out the entirety of that one universe. So much the better.

The feeling of hurtling through space began to slow, and the light dissipated. My other and I were back in my universe, in my room. I turned to the other Stewie, who was still passed out, and sat with him, watching him breathe. I placed my hand upon his forehead.

"Rest, now. You have nothing to fear... Stewie Griffin."

As he slept, I began to think of how I would explain this to my family.

(12-minute cutaway gag of Osama Bin Laden trying to purchase a box of cereal which couldn't be shown on this network, so there's just a blank screen with no sound.)

*Family Guy credits theme*


	5. Epilogue

In the days that followed, the other Stewie's health had improved. He had gained a healthy amount of weight, and was no longer so pale. He even enjoyed playing in the garden with Brian and me, between helping me with my projects.

After some initial confusion and concern, the other Stewie was quickly accepted into our family. It had taken a little time for him to become accustomed to my universe's version of the family, but not too long. They irritated me to no end, that was true, but they were kind and loving. Lois and Peter treated him just as well as me, and was adored by Meg, Chris, Brian, and the neighbours.

I choose not to recall the horrendous events of that other dimension, but it was clear that the torment my other had endured weighed heavily on him. It seemed that he had been aware of the alternate dimensions, but had been unable to successfully travel between them. Whenever I could sense him falling into despair, I would put a hand on his shoulder, to reassure him that there was no longer anything to fear. The last time it had happened was three months ago - a remarkably long time compared to the first few weeks after we made it back. I still remember it clearly. I looked at him, and placed my hand on his shoulder. He turned to look at me, his face very different from our first encounter.

"Thank you."

I gave a gentle smile and nodded, and we returned to our projects.

(25-minute cutaway gag about Peter Griffin taking experimental medicine which turns him into a homosexual.)

*Family Guy credits theme*


End file.
